Why?

This is another old Tumblr post from 7 months ago- It’s an ongoing “resolution” where I learn to give closer to zero “fudges” and just be me… This is step 378 in a bajillion step process. It’s MY mid-life crisis (although a hot little sports car would be nice too!)

In the past I’d make a resolution…usually relating to losing weight or some superficial crap. I’ve spent 40 years never feeling “enough”, feeling like I’d never match expectations, never be who I thought others wanted me to be… and yes a lot of those expectations for “fitting in” came from my family.. then middle school bullies, and later living in the 2nd most superficial city in the world.
But in 2015 I started a quest to just BE… it was a tiny step that is turning into a leap in 2016… not as a resolution but as a need to stay alive and happy. So I’m stating here and now the expectations I will never meet, not because they are so hard, but because they are not ME
“Perfect Mom”…no I don’t always put my child first, no I don’t make him the center of my universe, no my identity is not wrapped up into being his parent. Those are rarely expected of men, so why should they be for me. My child is loved, fed meals, he’s happy… and he’s my friend. We have lots in common and have fun doing things together. That’s far more important to me that ever attending a damned parents meeting or being a super-mom.
“Attractive” This one I struggle with the most… I always I have. I’m never going to be any where near what society has been told is “atractive”. I struggle with weight “issues”. I’ve lost 50lbs, and gained them all back. I’ve been 125,135,155, and 185 lbs (everything above 125 is in the “obese” category for my height… which just screams fucking ridiculous for me!) Know what…. I’m the same person at all those weights. That the lesson I’m working on learning right now. No I may not please the visual sense… but fuck it, I’m me.

“what are you reading and enjoying” NOTHING! I get asked this all day everyday at the shop and I lie through my teeth. Honestly it’s been 6 months since I’ve read a book. Caveat: I’ve had to FORCE myself to read my one bookclub book every month… and hated it and the books. I’ve started to read plenty of books. I rarely got past page 20. I just have other places I’m focusing right now. I think there is this pressure both by book shoppers and within the bookselling community to be a perfect reader and I’m calling out it’s BULLSHIT. I don’t have to read, like, or want to read what is being placed in front of me to be effective at my job. The pressure to be the perfect reader can be intense and can make those of us that struggle at reading fell inadequate.

“nerdiness” I’ve spent the better part of 35 years (since hitting middle school) hiding it. It’s something I deeply regret.I think it’s part of the reason I have so few friends. If I had been my authentic self I’d have felt more secure making friends. The few times I’ve let my nerdiness show I’ve made fabulous friends (not that I’ve kept in touch with them after moving). 2015 was one of those times. Thanks to an online show I’ve started embracing my nerdy side again… and have made some great online friends. I’ve also worked hard on an IRL friendship that just makes me smile! Let’s face it I don’t fit into the mold this little Mayberry of a town wants to fit in…. and I’m trying so hard to bust out of it… it’s hard because I’m a 40+ year old business owner in a small town… but I’ve come to realize that those that truly WANT to know me, will. The others will just get the benefit of my old theatre/acting day (SMILE & NOD).

Thanks to #CriticalRole & #Geek&Sundry I know that there are others out there like me… and it is through them I’m gaining the power to like myself for me and not some construct society wants me to be or expects of a 40 year old mother.

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