Biggest Challenge and Dirty Little Secret…

I’m FAT… and no that’s not the secret. It’s pretty darn evident. I hide it well because I never ever let anyone take a picture of me, so unless you’ve seen me in person in the last 2 years you wouldn’t know it.

I follow a lot of “body positive” blogs and FB pages… I try and believe what they tell me. I TRY… but I fail.  All I see around me are people built completely differently- taller, thinner, curvier in the RIGHT places. My big challenge is to try sometime in the next few months/years to look at myself and not hate me. Being around nerds more certainly has helped.  For a group that has been judged and depicted so harshly for the last 20-50 years, they are the most welcoming. (I will admit though that there are a few I have met that aren’t so welcoming, but they’re local to where I live and let’s face it this whole area isn’t known for being welcoming to outsiders of any type).  When I meet up with my fellow geeks and nerds (be it in person or online) I know that I won’t get “the look” (my fellow fatties know which look I’m talking about- the “should she really be eating?” or the “does she know how bad she looks” or the “she must spend her days laying on the couch eating cake” look).  Sad to say it is the ONLY crowd I feel safe in these days. THANK YOU NERDS.

But for the dirty secret- for the last 6 weeks I’ve been cheating on my body positive icons… I’ve been trying to lose some of the weight.  I did good for awhile, but fell off the wagon recently. But having seen a recent picture of me online, I’m getting back on.  I do feel like I’m cheating on being body positive and it tears me up a bit… BUT I do have to learn to love myself and if fitting into clothes that fit me just 6 months ago will help, I’ll do it.635940510331217027-914862864_tumblr_mltz1oST6U1rbf2mto1_500